Creative Couple 2014 : Message from Dr. Robi Sonderegger

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Marriage disaster

Chef :

- specifying the objective (ini tujuan yg sy mau capai)

Tujuan si jahat - goalnya memisahkan dan menghancurkan

Kita selalu pnya goals utk area hidup kita, tapi apa tujuan pernikahan kita?

Biasanya org ga pnya tujuan pernikahan. Biasanya hanya utj survival

- well prepared (pre prepared and pre measured)

How prepared u are for marriage?

Prepared our hearts to prepare ourselves

Bukan stgah + stgah jadi 1

Tapi 1 whole being + 1 whole being

- strategy to get the best result

- mengevaluasi seberapa bagus hasilnya utk kedepan

Seberapa sering evaluasi dlm pernikahan

Tp seringnya ketika hal buruk terjadi

Evaluasi dgn tujuan lebih baik kdpn

Proses ke hal yg lebik baik

Pernikahan spt rekening tab di bank yg harus diinvest terus

How do we continue making good expression?

1. Nama

 Terus sebutkan nama pasangan saudara

Riset menunjukan nama adl yg paling penting . Even when they hate theirselves they love their name when someone call it

Name x 3 : they will like you more but dont know why

Using somebodys name making a really good expression

2. Ask open questions 4w 1h

3. Paraphrase

Parot phrase : km lakuin hal ini itu wow luar byasa (summary) we actually care

4. Passion - making a heart connection

Focus what our spouse passionate about

What the best part, what the worse part today?

Jesus mendengarkan msalah org itu lalu tergerak dgn belas kasihan

5. Conclude

Making a great impression

Bukan interogation tapi conclusion (interaction but full of passion)

Stop talking about urself and making an impression (meninggalkan kesan) kepada orglain

Turn it around tanya trs ttg dia - harus tau tujuannya dan well prepared..

Invest others

Jadi, yg km blg, you treat ur clients like family.. Why bla4

What happens when things go wrong?

Man : mr logical - mr fix it

Woman : mrs emotional

Resep memenangkan setiap argumen

1. Ingredients : bahan

- why?

- paraphrase

- win-win solutions

Instructions

- argument bukan ttg topicnya tp fokus feeling dibaliknya

- never get upset

change the problem

(Dgn fokus di perasaannya, kita sebenarnya lagi change the problem)

- NEVER Make the first offer

Org yg menawar kdua kali akan punya power

1. Criticism

To make one person wrong and the other right

Atacking character

Tujuan merendahkan org dan meninggikan saya

Always or never

2. Contempt (benci-sikap membela diri)

To make insult or injury

Hinaan didepan publik - merusak reputasi

Harming others and yourself

Disgusting

Ga intentionally sebenarnya tp frustasi, tertekan.. Itu otomatis

3. Defensiveness

(Membela diri) menyalahkan orglain

Defend ourselvea by blaming our past or by simply taking the critism and throw it back to their face

4. Stonewalling (ngmg ama tembok)

Diem aja nunggu org bres ngmg tnpa denger ato respon apapun

90% divorce

Marriage masters

Batre pnya kemmapuan membuat sesuatu hidup pdhl tdnya mati tnpa batre

Ga perlu sama in common

1. Trust ( truth) rasa percaya/kebenaran

Honesty is the best way to go

Kejujuran adl satu2nya kebijakan

Tapi utk bisa jujur harus ada safety, security klo ga ada ini cuma ada anxiety (cemas) ini adl pembunuh no 1

Pasangan janjian buat jadi safe place utk salah dan janji jgn bereaksi dgn kasar (no negative hostility)

Come each other and confess , understanding and pray

Truth may set u free but it hurts spt obat bius

Tapi Obat bius itu yg akan membuat kita kebal dijait

2. Responsibility (rasa tanggungjawab)

I wont blame anyone for my actions

In fact i wont blame myself

Bukan liat ke masa lalu tapi ke masa depan

2 ways to respon over highly situation .biasanya klo ga lawan, kabur

Respon :

- avoid menghindari konflik

- konflik

Ga perlu marah, lakukan sesuatu about it. Maintain emosinya, biasanya menguntungkan kita

Complain and whining ga akan menyelesaikan masalah

Love one another. Love is not an emotion but an action

Klo mo dapet buah ya tanem sesuatu di tanah.. Kalo mau membelanjakan kasih, invest dl di kasih

Love is not an obligation/ kewajiban

With the joyful heart

Stop complaining about it and start do something about it

3. Understanding (pengertian)

1 pet 3:7 husband live in ur wife in an understanding way showing her honor sbagai kaum yg lebih lemah/fragile sbagai teman pewaris kasih karunia

Fragile rapuh

Take care not because it weaks but it is precious

4. Friendship (persahabatan)

Hal plg romantis adl smakin mengenal pasanganmu

Go something fun together that cultivate ur friendship

Know past, future dreams and ambition

Tggjwb kita bkn utk mencapai dreamsnya tapi taking interest membahas apa yg menjadi interest dia

Marriage is mystery keep on discovering

Ekspresi takut akan Tuhan :

1. Menumbimhhkan rasa aman

- komitmen utk mempertahankan hubungan

- mengambil bagian dalam pekerjaan atau masalah bersama

2. Komunikasi yang jelas

Seperti menyiram air ke tanah, bukan event seharian..

- bicarakan dengan jelas, wanita perlu 200 kata untuk menjelaskan. Pria 10 kata, tidak berarti tidak attention. One track mind..

Pria berfikir seperti box..

3. Emotional / romantic times

- goalnya bukan sex bisa hanya kata2 pujian

- romance ia not an event but relationship being best friends

- explore each other : memperhatikan hal kecil

- romance direncanakan, tidak alamiah, hrs diusahakan

- share our interest

- jgn mengabaikan moment penting

- give undivided attention

4. Positive physical touching, not sexual touching

Survey membuktikan bahwa 70-80% wanita membutuhkan touch

How to keep your marriage growing

Ams24:3

1. Quality time

Jgn beri perhatian thd words tapi feeling behind the words

Hurt people hurt people

Negative tongue : fearful heart

Boasting tongue : insecure heart

Judgmental tongue : guilty heart

Critical tongue : bitter heart

Encourage tongue : happy heart

Gentle tongue : loving heart

Control tongue : peaceful heart

2. Keep on showing affection - act of service - gift - physical touch

Enemy of romance is BUSYNESS

What you do in fall in love have to do in stay in love

Test of your love is demonstrating your love

1 yoh 3:18

Love is not a feeling it's a choice of act and commitment

True love dilakukan scr sadar. Disiplin

But encourage one another daily

ibr 3:13

3. Keep on giving affirmation - words of affirmation

Everybody needs to be adored

Kita adl fans terbesar pasangan

We become what others see in us

It's our job to bring the best things of your spouse

So talking the best thing of your spouse

4. Terus hidup dlm Tuhan - keep on following Jesus

Kebahagiaan sy adl dari hub sy dgn Tuhan

Penolong itu : harus lebih kuat dari yang di tolong..

Pornography - membuat perceraian

No excuse

2/3 divorce ada hubnya sm internet pornography

Tuhan sll menyediakan way out

Sex facts

1. Sex : sacrifice

Sex bukan saya dan apa yg sy terima tapi we dan apa yg kita beri

2. Sex is a beauty treatment

3. Sex helps cure headaches and mild depression

4. 68-100x setaun (lebih dari smggu skali)

5. Married people have more sex better than unmarried ppl

Better : more satisfying

6. 25% manusia menderita sexual disorder

Klo pornografi jd ga tetarik sm yg beneran

7 tips intimacy improve

1. Keep learning. Life long student

2. Take the seriousness out of sex

Have fun, creative

Sex bukan lomba tapi seni. Sesuatu yg di create jadi gausa nanya brapa levelnya performance saya kcualo evaluating

3. Be honest

4. Protect love

1cor13

5. Be courageous

6. Speak life

Jauh lebih byk harapan dr yg berpengertian drpd nmgn tp berpikir

5 : 1

Krn klo 1x prkataan kritis 5x menyakiti

Dlm pernikahan 20:1

Sex : mempertahankan friendship

Jauhkan dr pornography

Brenti tebar pesona

Jauh3lah dr gadis yg lebih muda dr ranjang anda

7. Be intimate frequently

Forgiveness is

- CHOICE

Choice to let go kepaitan, kebencian dan rasa luka krn hal yg menarik ttg rasa luka kita sering pegang luka itu

Kalo digigit snake, biasanya org jawab bales bunuh ularnya.. Padahal mustinya Get rid of the poison that inside you. Kita gak mati krn digigit tp poisonnya jadi bukan luka dari kepaitannya tp krn hold on kepaitannya

Choice learning to let go. Healing takes time. Jgn berdiam di masa lalu, mengutuki kepaitan itu dibuat scr sadar utk ga mengigat kembali

2. SACRIFICE

I sacrifice my rights to revenge krn biasanya kita mau dia rasain apa yg kita rasa

3. TRUSTING GOD

Kita hrus trust god for the revenge

I will repay (pembalasan adl hakku) kt Allah

My ways are diffrent from ur ways, my thoughts are different than ur thoughts

Pembalasan kita beda dgn keadilan dr Tuhan

4. FORGIVENESS IS A GIFT walaupun org itu ga layak utk menerimanya

Lebih ttg mengenai apa yg sy beri drpd yg menerima

Ini ttg Tuhan yg memberi bkn tth org yg menerima

Pengampunan yg dberi bkn krn apa yg kita lakukan tp gift dr Tuhan even when we dont deserve it

Ketika kita masih berdosa, Tuhan sudah menebus

1. Pengampunan bukan EXCUSE

2. BEFRIEND

3 ABUSE

4. FORGET. Keputusan utk Remembering no more NOW sama spt alkoholik yg ngmg sy ga akan minum lg sekarang